Novel: The Book of Air and Shadows
Author: Michael Gruber
Hello and welcome to today's episode of Stupid Bad Literary Devices That Suck! I'm your host, Big Bad Blog Writer. Today's contestant is Michael Gruber. Come on down, Michael!
MG: Thanks, thrilled to be here, even though I'm smarter than you and erudite and stuff.
BBBW: So Michael, tell us a little about yourself.
MG: I'm from Seattle, Washington. The Oregonian called me "compellingly original." I used to be a marine biologist and a speechwriter but now I just torture people with my stupid bad literary devices that suck.
BBBW: Perfect! Okay, Michael, here's our first question. How many words are in the longest sentence on Page 5 of The Book of Air and Shadows? Here's the book for reference.
MG: Ummm.
BBBW: Take your time.
[ten minutes later]
MG: 51 words.
BBBW: And what is the second longest?
MG: 50 words.
BBBW: Third longest?
MG: 45 words... are you trying to make a point here?
BBBW: Why yes, I am, Michael. My point is that unless you are Charles Dickens, you shouldn't be writing pages full of 50 word sentences. Using over-long sentences in an attempt to engage the reader (hoping they won't quit reading until they finish the sentence) is a Stupid Bad Literary Device That Sucks. Congrats! You've earned a point!
MG: Yay.
BBBW: Question two: On page 53, your narrator states, "Reading this over I see I have screwed up the line of the narrative beyond all repair." Is this line: a) clever in a fourth wall-breaking way; b) self-effacing and amusing, or; c) A Stupid Bad Literary Device That Sucks?
MG: I'm going to go with choice A.
BBBW: Bzzzzt! The correct answer is C. Constantly referring to how badly your main character is communicating the story is neither clever nor amusing. All it does is point out how bad your writing is. But we'll give you a point anyway, because you really suck.
MG: Woohoo.
BBBW: On page 90, after a multi-page conversation in flashback form that seems crucial to the plot, you follow it up with this sentence: "As far as I recall, that is, since the above is a complete fabrication." Our last question is: What the HELL?!
MG: Haha! I really got you there. You thought I was finally telling a coherent story and then I say it's all fake. HAHAHA.
BBBW: You now have THREE Stupid Bad Literary Devices That Suck points. Congratulations, you win a trip to Pluto! Please take it.
MG: I will bring my own books to read to pass the time. Because I am awesome.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Please help me.
I have been reading The Book of Air and Shadows by Michael Gruber for six weeks and after frequent nodding off and gnashing of teeth, I am now on page 91. That's right. Six weeks. Approximately 45 days. Ninety-one pages.
Someone please kill me.
I abandoned my original plan to review this book chapter by chapter because, quite frankly, that isn't possible. There is no coherent narrative structure to speak of. It bounces around between first person present (with frequent first person flashbacks in the past tense), third person past, and a new narration style I have named Please Make It Stop.
Characteristics of the Please Make It Stop narrative style are as follows:
* Letter format. To remind us of this, the letter writer randomly throws in his wife's name every third line, so that we don't forget this is a letter he's writing to her.
* Italics--unending italics across pages and pages.
* First person present tense which frequently flashes back to first person past tense (sound familiar?) and then back to present tense and perhaps to future tense if you're really lucky.
* Reallie badde ande fake Olde Englyshe characteryzed by switchynge the Letters "I" and "Y", addinge "E" to the ende of nearlie everye worde, and randomlie capitalizynge Nounes and sometimes Adjectyves and Verbbes dependynge upon what drugge Michael Gruber was takynge that evenynge as he sat downe to wryte.
If you're getting the impression that this narrative style is annoying and Fuckynge Impossyble to reade, you have more insight into the human condition than does Michael Gruber, so congrats!
I have to go hang myself now, but I'll be back shortly to describe the terrible, terrible characters who populate The Book of Air and Shadows.
Someone please kill me.
I abandoned my original plan to review this book chapter by chapter because, quite frankly, that isn't possible. There is no coherent narrative structure to speak of. It bounces around between first person present (with frequent first person flashbacks in the past tense), third person past, and a new narration style I have named Please Make It Stop.
Characteristics of the Please Make It Stop narrative style are as follows:
* Letter format. To remind us of this, the letter writer randomly throws in his wife's name every third line, so that we don't forget this is a letter he's writing to her.
* Italics--unending italics across pages and pages.
* First person present tense which frequently flashes back to first person past tense (sound familiar?) and then back to present tense and perhaps to future tense if you're really lucky.
* Reallie badde ande fake Olde Englyshe characteryzed by switchynge the Letters "I" and "Y", addinge "E" to the ende of nearlie everye worde, and randomlie capitalizynge Nounes and sometimes Adjectyves and Verbbes dependynge upon what drugge Michael Gruber was takynge that evenynge as he sat downe to wryte.
If you're getting the impression that this narrative style is annoying and Fuckynge Impossyble to reade, you have more insight into the human condition than does Michael Gruber, so congrats!
I have to go hang myself now, but I'll be back shortly to describe the terrible, terrible characters who populate The Book of Air and Shadows.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)