Stupid Bad Literary Devices That Suck

Novel: The Book of Air and Shadows
Author: Michael Gruber

Hello and welcome to today's episode of Stupid Bad Literary Devices That Suck! I'm your host, Big Bad Blog Writer. Today's contestant is Michael Gruber. Come on down, Michael!

MG: Thanks, thrilled to be here, even though I'm smarter than you and erudite and stuff.

BBBW: So Michael, tell us a little about yourself.

MG: I'm from Seattle, Washington. The Oregonian called me "compellingly original." I used to be a marine biologist and a speechwriter but now I just torture people with my stupid bad literary devices that suck.

BBBW: Perfect! Okay, Michael, here's our first question. How many words are in the longest sentence on Page 5 of The Book of Air and Shadows? Here's the book for reference.

MG: Ummm.

BBBW: Take your time.

[ten minutes later]

MG: 51 words.

BBBW: And what is the second longest?

MG: 50 words.

BBBW: Third longest?

MG: 45 words... are you trying to make a point here?

BBBW: Why yes, I am, Michael. My point is that unless you are Charles Dickens, you shouldn't be writing pages full of 50 word sentences. Using over-long sentences in an attempt to engage the reader (hoping they won't quit reading until they finish the sentence) is a Stupid Bad Literary Device That Sucks. Congrats! You've earned a point!

MG: Yay.

BBBW: Question two: On page 53, your narrator states, "Reading this over I see I have screwed up the line of the narrative beyond all repair." Is this line: a) clever in a fourth wall-breaking way; b) self-effacing and amusing, or; c) A Stupid Bad Literary Device That Sucks?

MG: I'm going to go with choice A.

BBBW: Bzzzzt! The correct answer is C. Constantly referring to how badly your main character is communicating the story is neither clever nor amusing. All it does is point out how bad your writing is. But we'll give you a point anyway, because you really suck.

MG: Woohoo.

BBBW: On page 90, after a multi-page conversation in flashback form that seems crucial to the plot, you follow it up with this sentence: "As far as I recall, that is, since the above is a complete fabrication." Our last question is: What the HELL?!

MG: Haha! I really got you there. You thought I was finally telling a coherent story and then I say it's all fake. HAHAHA.

BBBW: You now have THREE Stupid Bad Literary Devices That Suck points. Congratulations, you win a trip to Pluto! Please take it.

MG: I will bring my own books to read to pass the time. Because I am awesome.